Category Archives: notes to myself

A reaction to a stupid video posted on my wife’s Facebook page

I feel it rising up through my body– anger, heat, the desire for destruction.  I hear all the words I’ve been told I embody.  A trigger pulled, a quick reaction impossible to slow.  Here is what I am:

i am dark
i am dirty
i am stupid
just a girl
an abomination
can’t take a joke
no personality
no fun
take things too seriously

I am going to stop with this list.  I must.  I must stem the tide of abhorrence I’ve been handed over the years… abhorrence for someone like me.  Where is my protector?  I am she.  I stem the tide.  I reverse it.  I will teach myself new words that come more slowly than the words on this list.  There is not yet a quick + easy delivery of words that embody beauty + love.  But they will come… I can feel them bubbling up to block the painful, disorienting heat coursing through my over-reactive veins.  They come to fight, to feel, to slaughter.  This work is messy.  It feels heavy.  But it fuels the creation of a new life.

Hi, I’m back.


notes on what i want

These are notes I started writing in response to the question of what I want. They’re pretty random and jumbly; not originally intended to be published, but I find myself wanting to put them out there anyway.  More imperfection, eh?!


to explore more:
places beautiful + desolate, near + far + in-between
nature + city + all combinations thereof

to feel more:
the whole spectrum of human experience
i realize this opens me to the possibility of great pain, but i will certainly have pain whether or not i embrace it, so why not do so?
it also opens me to the possibility of joy beyond my wildest imaginings.

to connect:
it used to be that i wanted to meet more people; as many as possible, to understand the world better, but that want has sharply subsided.  instead, i want to connect with people who use their brains + hearts to their fullest capacity, or are on the path to doing so.  i want to feel inspired + supported + uplifted by those around me.  life is too short to be dragged down or to kept on the same straight path by the influence of those around me.

i also want to connect more with my sweetheart.  she is one of the brightest spots (sparks!) in my life, and loving + playing + learning with her is deeply fulfilling.  even when it’s hard to communicate… to be seen… to be well-enough differentiated, i adore the process of working through those stimulating challenges in order to grow more into ourselves + come closer to each other.

i want to make enough money on which to live (this means paying for food + clothing + shelter, but also enough for travel + play).  
i want to have good friends. number does not matter; only the quality of the friendship(s).  
i want to help grow my daughter in the best way possible, for her (and those around her). i especially want her to feel loved by me. 
i want to have a kind, loving, vibrant, funny, evolving woman by my side.  
i want to have good relationships with my family.  
i want to embrace + feel embraced by my community – preferably the one that i live in.
i want to live in a place that feels beautiful, and not too far removed from nature.
i want to feel fulfilled by how i choose to fill my days.
i want to eat good food grown by my family or community that sustains our bodies + spirit.

sounds simple/basic, but perhaps not!

i’ve been so frustrated lately by my lack of drive.  simultaneously wanting + not wanting to just DO something!  other people DO things.  they have successful careers or grand life missions and are busy with the carrying-out of those goals.  but it could be that i am just trying to compare my (possibly very different) insides with their outsides.  i’ve come down such a long, exhausting, rewarding + heartbreaking path recently, and i think i just want a fuckin break, already.  i’m trying to catch my breath and put the pieces of myself back together — in different/better places.  therapy has been so very helpful with this, but dude – it is seriously hard work!

i am able to picture how things will happen… in that place that connects both head + heart, and oftentimes, those things DO come to pass.  which is simultaneously alarming and reassuring.  i think it does keep me from fully expressing myself to people; afraid that i’m sharing too much of what might not, couldn’t possibly, and hasn’t yet happened.  i doubt myself.  my thoughts aren’t exactly linear, and aren’t made up of words, so it’s hard to explain, anyway.

so, yes.  another thing i want is to be seen + heard for who i really am. to be able to express that more fully.  to be someone who wants to be seen + heard. finally.