Category Archives: battle for myself

A reaction to a stupid video posted on my wife’s Facebook page

I feel it rising up through my body– anger, heat, the desire for destruction.  I hear all the words I’ve been told I embody.  A trigger pulled, a quick reaction impossible to slow.  Here is what I am:

i am dark
i am dirty
i am stupid
ignorant
ugly
smelly
just a girl
perverted
an abomination
can’t take a joke
small
quiet
plain
boring
no personality
whiny
annoying
no fun
unsuccessful
unfocused
messy
undisciplined
take things too seriously

I am going to stop with this list.  I must.  I must stem the tide of abhorrence I’ve been handed over the years… abhorrence for someone like me.  Where is my protector?  I am she.  I stem the tide.  I reverse it.  I will teach myself new words that come more slowly than the words on this list.  There is not yet a quick + easy delivery of words that embody beauty + love.  But they will come… I can feel them bubbling up to block the painful, disorienting heat coursing through my over-reactive veins.  They come to fight, to feel, to slaughter.  This work is messy.  It feels heavy.  But it fuels the creation of a new life.

Hi, I’m back.