These are notes I started writing in response to the question of what I want. They’re pretty random and jumbly; not originally intended to be published, but I find myself wanting to put them out there anyway. More imperfection, eh?!
to explore more:
places beautiful + desolate, near + far + in-between
nature + city + all combinations thereof
to feel more:
the whole spectrum of human experience
i realize this opens me to the possibility of great pain, but i will certainly have pain whether or not i embrace it, so why not do so?
it also opens me to the possibility of joy beyond my wildest imaginings.
it used to be that i wanted to meet more people; as many as possible, to understand the world better, but that want has sharply subsided. instead, i want to connect with people who use their brains + hearts to their fullest capacity, or are on the path to doing so. i want to feel inspired + supported + uplifted by those around me. life is too short to be dragged down or to kept on the same straight path by the influence of those around me.
i also want to connect more with my sweetheart. she is one of the brightest spots (sparks!) in my life, and loving + playing + learning with her is deeply fulfilling. even when it’s hard to communicate… to be seen… to be well-enough differentiated, i adore the process of working through those stimulating challenges in order to grow more into ourselves + come closer to each other.
i want to make enough money on which to live (this means paying for food + clothing + shelter, but also enough for travel + play).
i want to have good friends. number does not matter; only the quality of the friendship(s).
i want to help grow my daughter in the best way possible, for her (and those around her). i especially want her to feel loved by me.
i want to have a kind, loving, vibrant, funny, evolving woman by my side.
i want to have good relationships with my family.
i want to embrace + feel embraced by my community – preferably the one that i live in.
i want to live in a place that feels beautiful, and not too far removed from nature.
i want to feel fulfilled by how i choose to fill my days.
i want to eat good food grown by my family or community that sustains our bodies + spirit.
sounds simple/basic, but perhaps not!
i’ve been so frustrated lately by my lack of drive. simultaneously wanting + not wanting to just DO something! other people DO things. they have successful careers or grand life missions and are busy with the carrying-out of those goals. but it could be that i am just trying to compare my (possibly very different) insides with their outsides. i’ve come down such a long, exhausting, rewarding + heartbreaking path recently, and i think i just want a fuckin break, already. i’m trying to catch my breath and put the pieces of myself back together — in different/better places. therapy has been so very helpful with this, but dude – it is seriously hard work!
i am able to picture how things will happen… in that place that connects both head + heart, and oftentimes, those things DO come to pass. which is simultaneously alarming and reassuring. i think it does keep me from fully expressing myself to people; afraid that i’m sharing too much of what might not, couldn’t possibly, and hasn’t yet happened. i doubt myself. my thoughts aren’t exactly linear, and aren’t made up of words, so it’s hard to explain, anyway.
so, yes. another thing i want is to be seen + heard for who i really am. to be able to express that more fully. to be someone who wants to be seen + heard. finally.